Marriage is socially revered as a major milestone in life. Marital bliss is usually framed as something fulfilling, making one feel ‘complete’. In the chase to beat the ticking clock and feel ‘complete’, many rush into marriage, reluctantly caving into the societal timeline. For women in particular, it is a significant change, as they are traditionally expected to move into their in-laws’ family. In other words, much of upholding ‘tradition’ falls on the woman’s shoulders.
Content creator Soni Mishra, in an Instagram post dated April 13, asked, “Name your biggest lesson in a marriage so that others don’t repeat it,” to which netizens poured in to share their stories and lessons, one more eye-opening than the other. One user picked on the pattern of mostly depressing learnings from their marital life so they wrote, “Not a single comment is +ve NOT A SINGLE.”
Let’s identify the broader patterns of problems women face after marriage and what lessons they wish others would not repeat.
Here are some of the lessons:
1. Don’t be financially dependent and make time for yourself
The baseline guide to surviving marriage is to be financially independent and manage your own wealth. Many comments echoed this sentiment. And financial independence does not mean letting in-laws become a burden on it. One user asserted, “Don’t be financially dependent. Earn it, just save it. Don’t spend it on your in-laws’ home or your husband. Just for you.” This means, most importantly for your own self-preservation, saving some money for yourself. Even if you and your husband equally contribute to the family’s expenses, you never know when things may go south, so it is important to keep an emergency fund.
Similarly, connected to financial independence, another user quipped, “Keep yourself always busy around his family so they respect you and your time.” When you are too free, chances are they may impose chores or get too nosy in your life, boxing you in their ‘dos and don’ts’. Time is also a resource, much like money. As much as you spend time with family members, it is important to take some out for yourself, your ‘me time’.
Marriage does not mean you attach yourself to a hive mind. To keep your individuality alive while also enjoying marital life, keep these two resources, money and time, under your control. A third person also agreed how critical it is to stay true to yourself, “Don’t forget to be yourself. Don’t neglect what you want and what you are.”
2. Avoid selecting the wrong ‘main character’
As much as marriage is made to seem like a union of two families, at its core, it is about two people who form the foundation of that union. So, choosing your husband is very important. One user brought this to attention: “Main character (husband) sahi hona chahiye, baaki sab to side role (supporting role) main character ko support karenge hi (ultimately you don’t have to worry if you are right).” [The main character (husband) should be right, and everyone else (supporting characters) will support the main character.]
What this means is that if the man is right, supports and respects the woman, the environment improves, and if anyone is out of line, he does not hesitate to call it out. Another user also scathingly remarked on the importance of not marrying a spineless husband: “Never ignore how problematic his family is. Don’t commit to getting engaged or married unless you make sure he’s got a spine and can stand up to his family or anyone else who stands against you.”
The movie metaphor is very powerful to showcase how family dynamics actually work in real life.
3. Never say yes until YOU are ready and know your partner well
A room full of people watching you with bated breath as your significant other pops the question in a grand gesture can make you feel obligated to say yes, despite the squirming discomfort in your gut. The performance pressure chokes you into saying a stuttered ‘yes.’
But here’s the thing: you should only say yes if you truly know your partner inside out, along with their family. The comment section concurred with this line of reasoning, and for good reasons. One user said, “Don’t marry until you really want to. Don’t marry until you truly love the person and can live with his/her flaws. Make sure to talk about the important things that matter to both before getting into the relationship!”
The previous point of the main character addressed the man as the central factor in shaping the environment a woman enters, but it is equally important to scrutinise the family. Since blood is thicker than water, a man eventually relents to the family’s expectations, which may come at the expense of the wife’s agency. So you can’t afford to ignore the red flags, coming in with your ‘I will fix everyone’ saviour syndrome.
Another user shared their learning: “Don’t ignore the family’s red flags. I did and thought, delusionally, ‘I’ll earn their love,’ but know that respect and love should be the base, and everything else can be earned.”
It is a no-brainer; respect is the rudimentary basis of any relationship. But in the guise of social conformity, tradition sidelines basic human respect. As the aforementioned comment emphasised, once you respect and love someone for who they are, everything else can be managed.
Most of the comments vehemently gave marriage a thumbs down, with many clearly advising against it altogether. While marriage can feel like uncharted territory, filled with possible krakens and whirlpools, it is still a journey in itself. Before boarding and leaving the dock, just make sure you are willing, well-prepared, stocked and choose the right co-captain and crew.
Note to readers: This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them. This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.
