Regret, self-doubt, uncertainty… we have all been down such roads. Most of us can look back on dark periods: times when we had no job or no purpose, no confidence or too little love.
We turn for comfort, in such interludes, to our inner circle: partners, parents, siblings, close friends. And I have always been intrigued by the fact that those people can handle, at almost no notice, such a heavy responsibility.
No one teaches us how to empathise, advise, serve as a pressure valve or sounding board. And yet, we do it. Helping the people we love emerge from dark times, with less damage than they would have otherwise suffered, and sooner than they might have managed alone.
As with most things, not everyone has the knack, but almost everyone can learn. I have coached numerous couples in which one person has the feelings and the other jumps straight to solutions; or one partner bottles everything up and the other feels shut out.
If you find yourself becoming restless, impatient, even irked by a loved one’s predicament, it might help to remember that, most of the time, they aren’t looking to be grilled about it, or offered a neat solution.
What they are looking for is, simply, validation: that their feelings have merit; their error isn’t unfixable; their decisions hold value; and, more than anything, that they are still as loved as they were in the before.
Begin with validation, and the rest can feel almost instinctive. Empathy is, after all, a deep and distinctly human trait. Let it lead the way.
Take my 38-year-old client, let’s call her Shilpa. She works with a non-profit organisation, and her husband recently shuttered an entrepreneurial venture to return to the corporate world. They deliberated for months, over his decision to do this. They knew it would affect their lifestyle. They would have more money but less time; less autonomy but less uncertainty too.
Shilpa supported her husband’s decision to make the move back. They both felt it was the right thing for him, and for them. Once he had done it, though — shut down a company he spent years fighting for, tending to and brainstorming over — he plummeted. He felt like a failure, even though the choice was his. He resented having a position at work that felt like a step down too.
For months, Shilpa patiently listened as he navigated his uncertainties and fears. She repeated to him, over and over, the reasons he had made the call, and the reasons it was the right one. He now seems more confident in his decision and is settling in at work, she says. The pain of his loss isn’t gone, but it is less sharp.
I have a story of my own to share on this front.
I lost my mother a few months ago. She had been unwell all through the previous year. Deep down, I knew her time was near. Deep down, I know that I did all I could. I cared for her and spent most of my waking hours with her. We visited numerous doctors, made sure she was loved and comfortable. We were all with her, to the end.
Yet, after she passed, I was filled with doubt. Could I not have fought harder? Found a different set of doctors? Tried this alternative cure or that one?
My husband, Siddharth, my biggest support and solace through her illness, has patiently had the same conversation with me over and over, for months. We run through the options, ruling them out one by one, all over again, until we are left with the inescapable truth: there was nothing more to be done.
In quiet ways, he will remind me of things I did, and ways in which I put her first. And I remember: yes, I was a dedicated daughter; she knew how much I loved her. And for a while, I am able to breathe again.
While she was alive, he attended therapy sessions with me. One time, we made a spreadsheet of alternative options and why we could not try them: Too high-risk; too untested; not eligible. I think back to that data now, and it brings me peace.
And once again I wonder, how did he think to make an Excel sheet? What teaches us that kind of kindness? Is it something innate to us as humans? Something we learn from those around us? Whatever the answer, I am so thankful for it. It is what makes the world, for each of us, a better place.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in. The views expressed are personal)
