You are through; bridges have been burnt, and the relationship has ended. But for whatever compulsion or morbid curiosity, you keep checking their social media even after the breakup. Sometimes, it starts with a post from a mutual friend; other times, you find yourself typing their name into the search bar without much thought. You should not feel embarrassed about this, as there is an actual psychological reason behind it.
Don’t blame yourself for a lack of control or discipline. Instead, understand what triggers this behaviour and what steps you can take to break this habit.
We asked Suhas K, a clinical psychologist at Maarga Mind Care, Bangalore, about the reasons behind this repetitive checking habit. He answered our questions and shared tips on how to address it.
Why do you keep checking an ex’s social media?
There are several reasons why this behaviour occurs, some social and others psychological. The psychologist noted that checking an ex’s social media does not necessarily indicate a desire for reconciliation. While that may be one motivation, it is not the only one. A person may have no wish to get back together but still check their former partner’s account.
The first reason could be repeated ‘virtual reminders.’ ‘Out of sight, out of mind,’ becomes harder to practise when an ex appears in a mutual friend’s story or among suggested accounts, or when someone shares an update about their life. According to Suhas, these reminders can spark curiosity and prompt someone to check their ex’s profile.
Before social media, keeping track of an ex’s life required direct contact or in-person updates from mutuals. Today, even after a relationship ends, both people may still remain visible to each other in the same digital environment, making it easier to come across reminders of a former partner.
Suhas also attributed social comparison to be another cause: “When one sees an ex happy, successful, and social, there can be an urge to make comparisons. The individual might want to find out how his/her ex is portraying the relationship/break-up on social media.”
Other reasons could include unresolved feelings from the relationship. The psychologist highlighted lingering emotional involvement, difficulty letting go of past memories, and the search for closure. Someone may also check an ex’s profile to see whether they have moved on, wondering how they could do so quickly as they post pictures. The urge to check the profile is also to look for signs that, if at all, they cared about the relationship and found the separation equally distressing.
Similarly, another set of reasons could also be unresolved residual feelings from the relationship. The psychologist named emotional involvement, inability to let go of past memories, and the search for closure. Someone may check an ex’s Instagram posts to see whether they have moved on, wonder how they could do so quickly, or look for signs that they cared about the relationship and found the seperation equally painful.
Suhas also identified the fear of missing out, or FOMO, as another possible reason for checking an ex’s social media. Over time, this behaviour may become a habit. He said, “FOMO is often an added factor, especially when one feels like he or she is missing out on something. It may become routine after some time. A memory, loneliness, boredom, or even opening the social networking application can result in finding the same familiar profile.”
How to break this habit?
The psychologist outlined these 5 tips in order to break the habit:
1. Spot the triggers
- Observe what sets off the craving.
- It may come after feeling lonely, bored, or looking at something posted by a mutual friend or reminiscing about your relationship.
- Knowing the trigger makes it easier for you to find an alternative response.
2. Make the profile inaccessible
- Try muting and unfollowing their posts and stories, archiving the conversation, and removing quick access to the profile.
- Limit the constant exposure to their presence on social media.
3. Put off the impulse
- Don’t rush to act right away; instead, wait for 10 to 15 minutes.
- A walk, talking to a friend, music, or any other activity can provide distance from the impulse and its fulfillment.
4. Be aware that social media is selective
- The internet profile presents an edited reality, and comparing one’s rehabilitation process with that of the ex is not an accurate reflection of reality.
5. Note what occurs after checking
- Should checking on a repetitive basis cause feelings of anxiety, depression, jealousy, lack of sleep, or preoccupation with the relationship, then checking might be perpetuating emotional turmoil.
When should you seek help?
Monitor your own behavior. Suhas flagged signs like persistent anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, disturbed sleep or difficulty coping with your daily duties then it is best to seek professional help as a psychiatrist could evaluate emotional problems, and a counselor could assist with attachment and separation issues.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
