We all know that one friend who turns your insecurities into a joke. Or sends ten-minute trauma-dump voice notes but forgets to ask how you’re doing. Or keeps giving backhanded compliments: “Your weight gain suits you.” It’s fairly easy to tell they’re toxic, because every interaction leaves you feeling drained, unheard and a little icky. But clocking that the toxic one in the group chat is actually… you? Not so much. Our brains are wired to see ourselves as “a good person”. It’s easy to justify our own below-the-belt jokes as “that’s just my sense of humour”, or our selfishness as “I was going through something, dude.”
So how do you identify your own red flags, before they start costing you friendships? Komal Narang, cognitive and behavioural psychologist at Anna Chandy & Associates, and Hyderabad-based behaviourist Pranjal Mani Tripathi suggest asking yourself these five questions:
Is this a one-off — or a pattern? Everyone slips up in friendships. We cancel plans, forget to text back, we get defensive when someone points out that we only call when we need to vent. We say things we wish we could take back. While one mistake every once in a while is understandable, even human, “constantly repeating the same pattern is toxic,” says Narang. Tripathi points out behaviours that are problematic in friendships: “Trolling, gaslighting, mocking others, portraying oneself as superior, or lying to get one’s work done.”
Do you respect boundaries? Healthy friendships have invisible boundaries, emotional lines that signal comfort and respect. The trouble starts when those lines are crossed again and again. “That’s malicious behaviour,” says Tripathi. Are you constantly offering your friend unsolicited advice about why they’re still single or “choosing the wrong people”? Do you expect them to be your therapist 24*7? Do you keep leaking their secrets on the group chat? Then you’re the problem.
Are you laughing with them, or at them? A friendship is nothing without shared inside jokes. But humour can also be a tool for dominance. “If a joke consistently targets someone’s vulnerabilities and creates discomfort, it shifts from playful teasing to subtle power play,” Narang says. Repeatedly bringing up someone’s embarrassing stories — such as the time they threw up at a party or felt rejected by an ex — can sometimes serve a deeper psychological function. “It points to an emotional void, one that’s filled by causing discomfort to others.” A useful way to check yourself: Are people genuinely laughing, or simply playing along? Also, do your jokes rely on someone else’s embarrassment? If yes, this is your sign to stop.
Do conversations always revolve around you? We’ve all met the friend who responds to everything with, “That reminds me of when I…” Sometimes it’s just an attempt to relate. But it can turn into a pattern — like when someone’s venting about a rough day and you jump in with a longer story of your own. “By centering ourselves in someone else’s crisis, we shift the focus from their emotions and experience to ourselves,” Narang explains. So how do you tell if you’re doing this? “Notice if you tend to prioritise your own opinions, cut people off, or redirect conversations toward yourself,” says Tripathi.
Are you competing with friends? It doesn’t always look obvious. It shows up in small ways, such as mentally keeping score of who’s earning more, who’s in a better relationship, who’s travelling more. Or feeling a slight dip when a friend shares good news. Or rushing to mention your own win right after theirs.
Tripathi says this often comes from insecurity, not arrogance. “The pressure to present oneself as better than others is a strong driving force in human behaviour,” he says. What looks like confidence can actually be a fear of falling behind. A simple check: do you find it hard to celebrate a friend’s success without comparing it to your own?
From HT Brunch, March 28, 2026
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