Have you ever met someone and felt an instant spark, convinced that the chemistry between you was undeniable? While genuine connection certainly exists, experts say that not every intense feeling is a sign that you’ve found “the one.” Sometimes, the brain interprets familiar behaviours, validation or emotional relief as chemistry, assigning deeper meaning to experiences that may not reflect reality. Learning to recognise these moments can help you distinguish between true compatibility and patterns shaped by your past.
Jeff Guenther, a Portland-based licensed therapist with 21 years of experience and a mental health content creator known as Therapy Jeff on social media, is drawing attention to four signs that may feel like undeniable chemistry but could actually be your mind misreading the situation. In an Instagram video shared on June 3, he explains how the brain often interprets certain behaviours through the lens of past experiences, assigning meaning and emotional significance that may not accurately reflect what’s really happening.
Familiarity
Sometimes you meet someone and feel an instant, undeniable connection – as though you’ve finally found the person you’ve been searching for all along. While this feeling is often romanticised, Jeff suggests it may actually be rooted in familiarity rather than fate. According to him, it comes from growing up around certain behavioural patterns and learning to adapt to them. When you encounter someone who reflects those same patterns, your nervous system recognises them as familiar, creating a powerful sense of comfort and making it feel as though you’ve finally come home.
The therapist explains, “They feel instantly familiar. You meet them and your whole body goes, ‘oh, there you are,’ like you’ve known them for years. Everyone romanticises this. It’s the soulmate line. It’s the ‘when you know, you know’. And sometimes it’s lovely, but a lot of the time familiar just means familiar. You grew up reading somebody’s moods, walking on eggshells, never quite sure which version was going to show up. And now here is a person who feels exactly like that and your body goes home finally. That is not recognition of love. That’s more like recognition of a pattern. You’re not drawn to them; you’re more fluent in them.”
Text chemistry
It can be genuinely fun to text someone who seems to be on the same wavelength as you – when the timing is perfect, the banter flows effortlessly and an inside joke can keep going for hours. But according to Jeff, that’s not necessarily chemistry; it’s a game you’re both good at playing. Texting is a skill, and while two people can excel at it together, they may still find they have very little to say to each other in person.
He highlights, “You’ve got text chemistry. And look, that’s not nothing. It is genuinely fun. Two people with timing and word play. The bit that keeps going for like 6 hours, but that’s a skill. That’s two people who happen to be good at the same game. I have had unreal text chemistry with people I had absolutely nothing to say to in real life. The wit is real. It’s just not actual relationship chemistry.”
Validation loops
It can feel great to talk to someone who constantly boosts your ego, just as you do theirs. You may genuinely admire their personality, achievements or the way they carry themselves, and they may feel the same about you. But according to the therapist, that isn’t necessarily relationship chemistry – it’s often the emotional high that comes from feeling seen, validated and appreciated in someone’s presence.
He explains, “They love your stuff. You love their stuff. Every interaction, you walk away with a boosted ego. It feels electric. Feels like you get each other. But notice what you’re actually enjoying there. You’re not lit up by them. You’re lit up by who you get to be around them. Two people taking turns holding up the mirror. That is genuinely a good time. It’s just not the same as being known, which is what we’re aiming for here.”
Fulfilling attention needs
After going a long time without feeling truly seen or appreciated, receiving that attention from someone can feel incredibly powerful. It may seem as though they are “the one”, when in reality, your brain is responding to finally getting something you’ve been craving for years. The sense of relief and validation can become attached to the person rather than the behaviour itself. In moments like these, it’s important to be honest with yourself and ask whether you’re drawn to who they are, or simply to how they make you feel.
Jeff notes, “They really, really, really see you for the first time in a long time and it cracked something open and you think it’s them. It’s this specific person. No one’s ever done this maybe. Or you’ve just been starved for attention for a long time and somebody finally gave it to you and the relief of that is so big you pinned it on them. It’s not that the feeling isn’t real. It’s that you might be responding to finally getting something you needed, not to the person who happened to hand it over. Be honest with yourself about which one it is.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. It is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
