It has been heartening to see, dear readers, that the last column, on building a relationship with the self, resonated as much as the others.
A common question I got asked was: What are the steps I can take to meet this goal.
One reader made a particularly evocative point. “In the end you say, ‘Be honest about what you want,’” she wrote. “But what if I don’t know what that is?”
Many of us — I would venture to say most of us — spend years not knowing what that is. Many will live their whole lives never articulating or attempting to find it.
I would like to dwell this week on why that is, and discuss a few simple steps that can begin the journey of fixing it.
I believe there are two reasons most of us find it difficult to articulate, even just to ourselves, what we really want. First, as I mentioned in the previous article, we are taught from an early age that giving is the ideal; wanting is the self-involved, less-noble emotion.
The second reason is, to me, the more interesting one. In a world driven by aspiration and acquisition, we soon become conditioned to set material goals. Both as children and as adults, we unabashedly express these goals. “I want that toy.” “I want a new car.” “I’m going to get the new iPhone.”
But there is such vulnerability implicit in stating one’s emotional needs, that the sense of aspiration rarely extends into the emotional. We are far less likely to say: “I want to be happier” or “I wish I could be less critical of myself.” As a result, these deeper, emotional wants are often left undefined.
It doesn’t help that the more pressing responsibilities tend to involve material needs, or the emotional needs of others: caring for the family, providing for dependents, advancing in a career. In our world, it takes a certain amount of unlearning to get to the point where we can clearly set emotional goals for ourselves.
It takes a sort of reboot.
The ideal way to do this is to start with a pause. Make time to do nothing: no devices, distractions or chores. For the many of us who find this difficult, use the simple hack of gentle breathing exercises (make up your own; it doesn’t really matter for the purposes of this exercise). Try to find a spot amid nature. (I know; just a view of a beautiful tree will suffice.)
The journey towards knowing what you want starts with self-awareness. So create the space to think, and simply be.
The next step is to start to use this time for introspection. What about your life do you not want, and not like? Journaling can help further clarify these thoughts.
Of course, this still doesn’t answer the question: “What do I want”. But I promise it’s a start.
Once one has defined the “don’t wants”, it can be as simple as flipping them. Would the opposite of what you don’t want make you happier? What will it take to get there: a difficult conversation with a loved one; a much-delayed shift in career or lifestyle? A little work on the self, perhaps?
Start small. This is vital. The surest way to keep such change sustainable is to ease oneself and everyone else into it. If a simple step isn’t immediately apparent, start with securing more downtime. Make more room for the self. This is now time one can spend working towards a new want, or indulging a new source of joy.
Introduce these ideas gently to those closest to you. Begin the process of letting them know how they can help. Let small change lead the way to greater joys.
As simple as it may sound, it can take months and multiple attempts to take charge of one’s happiness in this manner.
The important thing to note is that once one begins, one never really stops. And that can be incredibly empowering. As experiment becomes practice, a habit will form of periodic status checks, and of revisiting the list of wants and don’t wants in order to revise it.
Life will kick in, of course. The list will occasionally have to take a backseat. But the habit of asking “Am I drifting too far from my wished-for course? When do I plan to refocus on it?” will have taken root. Vigilance will become part of the fabric of your life.
And I can tell you from experience, dear reader, that is a precious thing.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relation-ship coach and can be reached on simran@ floh.in. The views expressed are personal)
